As humans – we are going to be emotional.
However, problems occur when we get too involved with the emotion of a situation and don’t maintain good boundaries. So we can end up acting like our teams parents or their cheerleaders and it moves us away from our requirement for them to perform a certain way in their role.
Likewise, if we don’t respond to emotion well, we risk damaging the relationship, leaving our team member feeling cold, shut down or embarrassed.
So why do some conversations feel particularly emotional and what is the right way to deal with all this emotion?
A conversation feels emotional when we let it BE personal
- If you are on the receiving end of feedback learning that what you’ve done is wrong
- If you are on the receiving end of hearing that someone doesn’t want to work for you any more
- If you are feeling disappointed and angry because someone on the team keeps making mistakes and you are feeling really let down
- Someone you hired isn’t showing up as they should and you are feeling betrayed and maybe like they lied to you in the interview
Notice the personal nature of all of this
YOU making ME feel
YOU aren’t doing THIS for ME
If we can SHIFT our language to the third person – it allows us to de-personalise the discussion and bring objectivity back.
So when you are growing your business and in particular, when you are a solopreneur, everything can feel so personal. You are your business, your business is you, you are the face.
And then you bring people in to work with you – TO HELP YOU
And it’s right here that the problem lies.
If you are hiring someone to help you.
And they aren’t doing what you want them to do
And it’s making you feel sad
>>>>> that is all highly personal
But if you can shift to thinking –
I am Paula and I have a business
I am the CEO of my business. I am not my business
As the CEO of my business, it’s my job to get the business the support it needs to meet its goals.
So when I’m looking at a conversation with a team member who isn’t doing something, the conversation shifts from –
I NEED YOU TO DO THIS FOR ME
THE BUSINESS NEEDS THIS FROM THE PERSON IN THIS ROLE SO IT CAN MEET THIS GOAL
It then shifts from –
YOU AND ME (pointing)
THE BUSINESS NEEDS THIS, NOT THIS
Instantly it de-personalises and reduces the emotion in the situation.
You are almost able to view it from the outside looking in – with less emotion and more objectivity.
So once you’ve managed dealing with your emotions, how should you deal with your teams emotions?
Accept they are normal. Everyone is human and it’s going to happen!
Thank them for sharing their feedback. Hold space – and then shift into the de-personalised version of the conversation.
And if you are the one feeling emotional – then take a pause – say thank you for sharing – leave that with me. Then give yourself the time to think about it and circle back in an objective business orientated way, focused on outcomes and results. This gives both people the opportunity to opt in if it feels good or opt out if it doesn’t feel great.
Remember – every relationship you have with everyone on your team is exactly that.
They are human. You are human
They won’t be perfect. You won’t be perfect.
Embrace and normalise the emotion – it’s actually a good thing as it usually means the person cares.
And when it’s time to move through to solutions – shift to depersonalised language and allow the space to view the situation calmly and you’ll find you can talk about solutions and problem solving and how you move forward – so much easier.
If you would like support learning the LANGUAGE OF LEADERSHIP reach out to me or book in a free Dream Team Discovery Call to see how I can help you and your team get back on track.
If you're growing a team in-house or online, Paula Maidens can help!